I AM COMFORTABLE BEING ALONE: how to feel comfortable with your true authentic self

Imagine this: You’re sitting on your couch on a warm Sunday morning with no plans for the day whatsoever. The sun is shining bright, sending its golden rays right into your room. As its glowing rays hit your body, it warms you up. You hear birds chirping outside. Summer has just begun. You want to enjoy this weather as much as you can after a streak of gloomy and cloudy days, so you message your friends asking them to grab some Mimosas on a patio. You’ve been craving patio season for a few weeks now, but haven’t had the chance or time to enjoy it yet. After a few moments pass, all your friends message you back saying they’re busy and can’t make it for lunch or dinner. You think of your options now: you can make drinks at home but then you won’t get to enjoy the weather outside and you’ve been feeling so cooped up indoors for the past few days. Another option is to go to the patio yourself, but that feels intimidating… What if people judge you for being all alone? What do you do? 

Have you ever had that feeling of discomfort with being alone? Uncomfortable with the idea of what people might be thinking when they see you alone at a restaurant; having to go to the host/hostess and say, “Table for 1 please”? How about the idea of taking yourself out to a festival alone, traveling alone, or even going to the movies alone? I have felt uncomfortable with this idea too. But, let me ask you this: is it practical to always rely on other people’s availability to do things that make us happy? We come into this world alone and as morbid as it sounds, we do leave this world alone too. So, with that being said, when do we start feeling uncomfortable with being alone?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself for some time now. And I am guilty of changing my plans or postponing plans because my friends or family were not available to join me in doing them. I’ve always been in awe of people who have the confidence and courage to do things on their own and I’ve looked to them for inspiration on getting to that point. Attaining comfort in being alone is like reaching a whole new point of self-care and self-confidence. It feels great to think of getting to that point, but how do we get there if we still fear the idea of doing things solo

woman in gray turtleneck long sleeve shirt
Photo by Uday Mittal

The best way to overcome this barrier is to find the source of why you would feel uncomfortable with being alone and work on them to feel more comfortable with treating yourself.

girl in white shirt kissing girl in blue and white stripe shirt
Photo by Vitolda Klein

I asked myself what my barrier was with being alone. What triggers my anxiety of being alone? When I thought about it for some time, I came up with a few triggers from my past. I think I’m afraid of being alone because I was a very insecure person growing up. And though I’ve overcome a lot of that insecurity, the idea of people pleasing, and judgment still sticks with me.

The idea that I might be judged for being alone by others bothers me. Plus, the idea that I might be judging myself for being alone because a lot of my happiest memories and experiences revolve around interactions with others and not purely by myself. Also, the idea that being alone means being at one with my thoughts, and allows me to reflect on many aspects of my life and potentially spiral into them. 

I am the type of person that likes to be busy. My parents used to tell me I have “bugs in my butt” because I couldn’t stay still, and I still can’t. So, when I’m completely alone and by myself, I’m free of the distractions that occupy my brain and I start living in “the now”. My problem is that I need to remind myself that finding beauty in the stillness around you and living in “the now” by yourself creates new memories that can add to those of when you are your happiest.

Sometimes it’s not just being alone with your thoughts but the idea that you crave companionship that limits your ability to feel comfort in being alone. That in itself is great to have; someone to add to the comfort of daily experiences. But the issue with relying on the feeling you get from companionship is that it’s temporary. And when something is temporary, a greater loss is felt when it’s no longer around. That’s why it’s most important to feel content being alone first, whether you have a companion or not.

A TED talk by Chidera Eggerue, a British author, helped me see this perspective of how being alone can be perceived as time wasted, and how craving society’s acceptance can make us like ourselves less. Time spent alone is invaluable because it allows us to learn more about ourselves and form a new or improved sense of self-love and worth.

Everyone has their own reasons for not feeling comfortable being alone, that’s not to say my reasons may resonate with everyone. But understanding why I’m afraid of being alone allows me to work on those barriers. If I need to learn how to authentically enjoy the moment rather than thinking 10 steps ahead and diving into distractions, I can make active changes in my life to adapt to feeling more at ease with being alone. For example, I can start by having lunch at the park on a sunny day, where there are people around me but I’m able to completely enjoy the moment by myself. I can start by taking baby steps instead of leaps. 

So, through this post, I’m making a promise to myself and my readers that I’m going to actively make efforts in feeling more confident in being alone. And I’m going to start this process with the steps I’m listing below:

Step 1: First and foremost, I can start small by taking myself on solo walks where I’m away from my phone. Freeing myself from distractions allows me to take in the feeling of truly spending time with myself and my surroundings. And it’s the easiest place to start as I can decide how long I want my walks to be depending on my comfort level. Now I’m not saying I’ve never gone on a solo walk before, but whenever I did, I felt weird or awkward sitting alone when there were groups of people around me. To make up for this awkwardness, I’d call a friend or scroll Tiktok to occupy my time, but this takes away from the feeling of freeing myself from distractions.

Step 2: Moving up to something more risqué, I can take myself out for coffee to overcome the idea of judgment that “I am all alone” and overcome this insecurity of people pleasing those around me. 

Step 3: Once solo coffee runs are tackled, I can move up to taking myself out to restaurants by myself and yes, asking for a “table for 1.” Having a whole meal by myself is not just more time-consuming but in a more public setting where most people are present in a social setting with others. It’s testing my confidence in enjoying my own company surrounded by others who are not necessarily doing the same. It also enhances the idea that I’m never going to see these people again so why care about what they think when they see me alone at a table? 

woman holding fork in front table
Photo by Pablo Merchán

Step 4: Once I’m more comfortable with meals, I can move up to activities such as taking myself to the movies alone, paint nights, festivals, etc. I’ve always wanted to try a dance class but never had the guts to try it alone. The opportunities are endless and at this point, I’m creating memories for my own enjoyment and happiness because I’m not relying on other people’s availability to do the things I genuinely enjoy doing. Moreover, I’m giving myself the opportunity to learn more about myself with each activity I do alone, and with more time I spend with myself.

Step 5: Lastly, I think I’ve truly tackled the idea of being comfortable being alone when I’m able to travel solo. Book a trip to a foreign country where I don’t know anyone and still feel okay because I trust that I have myself and that’s all I need. This is probably the most difficult step for me to achieve but attaining this level of comfort with myself will make me feel invincible because I truly am in my own solo element authentically. 

Feeling comfortable in our own skin is a very versatile process. It involves knowing yourself and accepting yourself unconditionally. It is a lifelong process and a part of that is also feeling content with yourself at your core. I can say for a fact that I am learning more about myself and developing every day, but giving myself the love and care it needs comes from truly feeling vulnerable with myself. And it’s hard to seek love, care, and validation from external sources when it has not been completely fulfilled internally. 

I promise my readers that I am constantly growing, changing, and finding ways to reach high levels of self-love and self-care continually. I’m going to push myself to take these steps in attaining comfort in spending time with me and only me, even if it means taking myself out once a month. My intent does not guarantee action, but it can add to my motivation to carry out my actions. And if any of you are feeling the same sense of discomfort with being alone, I encourage you to take a baby step to make small changes yourself. Loving yourself co-exists with being confident in yourself. Self-love starts and ends with you.

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*Disclaimer: All of the information, opinions, and views provided in this post are based on my personal experiences. Reader’s discretion is advised related to any of the views presented.



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  1. I really enjoyed this content. As someone who has struggled with being alone, I feel like this is great steps to improve on being alone. This was very relatable. It was a great read!

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