I CAN LIVE WITH UNCERTAINTY

I can live with uncertainty: the universe has a plan for me

** Disclaimer: The content in this post is based on my experiences which have shaped my beliefs. There may be experiences and/or visuals I share that may be triggering to some readers. Reader discretion is advised. **

Imagine this: It’s a Monday morning. You’ve been waiting all week for this day. You grab your laptop, log in to your work portal, and hover over the little icon on the top left corner that says “Job Applications.” You feel your heart start to race, your breathing rate increases, and you can hear your heart pounding in your head like a drum, this is it. Your palms are shaky and warm with sweat as you click on the icon. You close your eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale as you open them again, staring at the job status screen before you. You’ve just applied to your dream job this week, which you’ve wanted all your life. You couldn’t imagine yourself doing any other type of job, this job was meant for you. Except for the fact that you see a letter in your inbox, and as you open it, you read “Unfortunately you were not a successful candidate at this time.” Your heart sinks, you feel heavy and it gets difficult to breathe. This is the job you’ve always wanted; the job you’ve worked so hard to get. That same job you thought was meant for you, has now been added to the long list of job rejections you’ve received this week. You start to wonder “Why me? Why does this always happen to me? Am I doing something wrong?” You spiral into this mentality of self-blame when in reality this is something you cannot control. 

When something in your life has not worked in your favor, how many times have you told yourself: Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? When something does not work out for us in our lives, human nature makes it easy for us to take some of that blame, even when it may not always be the case. A job rejection comes your way? “Maybe I did something wrong.” Someone you’re seeing decides to end things with you? “Maybe I didn’t put in enough time or effort to make things work.” I used to think like this all of the time too. And it used to haunt me. Self-blame is so easy to do but so damaging to yourself at the same time. You forget your worth, your value, your self-love, and your standards because you keep taking away from these things by finding faults and deficiencies in yourself. And how is that fair to you? 

Stressed Woman Covering her Face with her Hands
Photo by Anna Shvets

Now I’m not saying that you should never blame yourself for anything. There are times introspection and owning mistakes you’ve made help you grow and develop as a person. Self-reflection is a significant part of self-growth. But, when you start blaming yourself or looking for faults in yourself over things you can’t control in your life, you start to devalue yourself. This is not self-reflection, but rather self-destruction

When we talk about not having control over parts of our life, I believe it goes hand in hand with the uncertainty of different aspects of our life. How many times in your life have you felt uncomfortable with the idea of uncertainty, not only in your career but in other aspects of your life as well, be it your health, your relationships, or your friendships? Uncertainty is inevitable in any and every part of our life. The problem is that many of us tend to feel uneasy with it because it’s not something we have any control over. And when we tend to lose control over something, we tend to get anxious, spiral, and feel like everything is shattering or crumbling before us. It takes over your mood, your thoughts, and your mentality. So, you sit in a lot of self-blame because that’s all that you feel you can control. 

I’ve struggled with the idea of uncertainty in many parts of my life, my career, my relationships, my friendships, and my health. It has caused me a lot of stress, it has made me sick, and it has made me feel helpless at times as well. But, not anymore. So, I’ll let you in on a little secret that’s helped me live a little more comfortably with uncertainty. That secret is acceptance. Acceptance in the idea that the universe has a plan for me, and I will reach my goals. It might not be the most obvious or easiest path to get there, but I will get there. And if I don’t even after multiple attempts, that’s also okay because that just means that that was never a path meant for me. I believe I have the free will to make my own decisions, set my own goals, and work towards my own future. But at the same time, the universe has a plan for me too. Sometimes this plan can be in the form of lessons, experiences, and heartbreaks, and I have to trust that it’s what is meant for me at the end of the day. 

Now you might think this is way too philosophical or spiritual in my way of thinking. But, I have had instances where I really wanted something and it did not work out for me, and it crushed me. In some way or form, this opened up other opportunities for me which allowed me to travel down a different path or learn something new about myself.

A good example is when I was in university and I had to take a calculus course, except that I was terrible at calculus. I failed the midterm – the first time I’ve ever failed at anything. And this meant that the final was going to be 85% of my final grade. This haunted me, and it made me anxious about failing the final and eventually the course. My perfectionist self at the time, could not allow me to do that. So I worked my butt off, stayed up late at night, and did constant calculus problems till 3-4 am at times. I was so stressed out leading to the final and was even stressed about neglecting my other courses at the time to study for calculus as well. When the time came to write the exam, I did it but the stress and anxiety leading up to that day was the worst I’ve ever experienced. After writing the exam, I noticed mini red spots on my arms that appeared to be itchy.

Later on that night, I developed hives, had to go to the hospital and get treated for a stress-induced allergic reaction. I didn’t even know that was possible, but it happened to me. I stressed so much over failing the midterm that I spiraled into self-blame that I was not good enough. And I got so scared of something I had limited control over that I made myself physically sick. This was not okay. I’m not saying that my studying didn’t pay off in the end, I did pass the course. But was it worth putting myself through all that anxiety that I became physically sick? Would it have been better to try my best, study as much as I could, and accept the part I could not control? To even have more faith in myself and my abilities than self-blame for not being good enough? That day changed my outlook on exams, stress, and school. I learned to accept that whatever is meant to happen will happen and try my best to control the parts of my life that I can control without worrying about the factors I cannot control. 

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering why I think the universe has a plan for us if I believe we have the free will to make decisions in our lives. Well, let’s talk about the common saying “Why does this keep happening to me?” that we all use one too many times. I came home one day after one too many failed dates and I said the exact same line to my friend. Her response stuck with me and reinforced the idea of the universe’s plan for me. She said “Do you notice how all of the situations you’re placed in are so similar to one another and they always have the same outcome? Well, that’s because you’re not learning. The universe is trying to teach you something and you’re not learning its lesson so it keeps putting you in these situations to give you that opportunity to learn and grow, and it won’t stop until you succeed.” This conversation made me think back to all my failed dates and realize that I kept falling back into the same patterns with every one of them and I needed to learn to accept that those situations were not meant for me and move on, just like I needed to learn to accept that certain jobs I wanted weren’t meant for me and certain friendships weren’t meant for me either. And move on. 

If that door was never meant for you, it will always remain shut, no matter how hard you try to enter or how many different routes you take to get there. But there’s always another door open for you, and that one will get you to where you need to be; where you belong. This way of thinking may not work for everyone but I do find it tends to ease my anxiety when I’m in situations where I feel like I have lost control or I am uncertain of the outcome. I still try my best and work towards my goals every single day, but I also accept that I’ve done the most that I can do and the rest is out of my control. I carry that acceptance at the very end of my pursuits.

Uncertainty also opens up opportunities for us to explore areas of our lives that we never thought possible. It can open up the door to opportunities that we never thought we had access to. Living in uncertainty does not have to be a bad thing and accepting it also allows us to comfortably live in that uncertainty and accept the opportunities it presents to us. A TED talk by Patrick Mayne, describes his journey in life living with uncertainty and how he embraces it to take advantage of the opportunities it presents to him.

You see, acceptance of your current situation, regardless of the uncertainties, the negatives, the downfalls, the lack of control of it, and finding positives to look forward to when moving on creates a sense of peace within you. A sense of peace that makes life more enjoyable, that creates stillness in the chaos. That sense of peace is invaluable and makes you enjoy the rollercoaster of life, the ups and even the lows of it. It takes away that sense of fear, and anxiety and unravels the knots in your chest when something doesn’t work out or go your way. It creates a sense of comfort and teaches you to enjoy every moment of your life because it’s your life to live. 

So next time you feel nervous or scared, insecure or anxious over uncertainty or a situation you cannot control, remind yourself that what’s meant for you will be there for you. Trust in the universe’s plan for you and accept the outcome, be it good or bad. You have control over your emotions, your reactions, your sense of yourself. Don’t let fear or the feeling of a lack of control take that away from you. 

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*Disclaimer: All of the information, opinions, and views provided in this post are based on my personal experiences. Reader’s discretion is advised related to any of the views presented.

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I AM COMFORTABLE BEING ALONE

I AM COMFORTABLE BEING ALONE: how to feel comfortable with your true authentic self

Imagine this: You’re sitting on your couch on a warm Sunday morning with no plans for the day whatsoever. The sun is shining bright, sending its golden rays right into your room. As its glowing rays hit your body, it warms you up. You hear birds chirping outside. Summer has just begun. You want to enjoy this weather as much as you can after a streak of gloomy and cloudy days, so you message your friends asking them to grab some Mimosas on a patio. You’ve been craving patio season for a few weeks now, but haven’t had the chance or time to enjoy it yet. After a few moments pass, all your friends message you back saying they’re busy and can’t make it for lunch or dinner. You think of your options now: you can make drinks at home but then you won’t get to enjoy the weather outside and you’ve been feeling so cooped up indoors for the past few days. Another option is to go to the patio yourself, but that feels intimidating… What if people judge you for being all alone? What do you do? 

Have you ever had that feeling of discomfort with being alone? Uncomfortable with the idea of what people might be thinking when they see you alone at a restaurant; having to go to the host/hostess and say, “Table for 1 please”? How about the idea of taking yourself out to a festival alone, traveling alone, or even going to the movies alone? I have felt uncomfortable with this idea too. But, let me ask you this: is it practical to always rely on other people’s availability to do things that make us happy? We come into this world alone and as morbid as it sounds, we do leave this world alone too. So, with that being said, when do we start feeling uncomfortable with being alone?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself for some time now. And I am guilty of changing my plans or postponing plans because my friends or family were not available to join me in doing them. I’ve always been in awe of people who have the confidence and courage to do things on their own and I’ve looked to them for inspiration on getting to that point. Attaining comfort in being alone is like reaching a whole new point of self-care and self-confidence. It feels great to think of getting to that point, but how do we get there if we still fear the idea of doing things solo

woman in gray turtleneck long sleeve shirt
Photo by Uday Mittal

The best way to overcome this barrier is to find the source of why you would feel uncomfortable with being alone and work on them to feel more comfortable with treating yourself.

girl in white shirt kissing girl in blue and white stripe shirt
Photo by Vitolda Klein

I asked myself what my barrier was with being alone. What triggers my anxiety of being alone? When I thought about it for some time, I came up with a few triggers from my past. I think I’m afraid of being alone because I was a very insecure person growing up. And though I’ve overcome a lot of that insecurity, the idea of people pleasing, and judgment still sticks with me.

The idea that I might be judged for being alone by others bothers me. Plus, the idea that I might be judging myself for being alone because a lot of my happiest memories and experiences revolve around interactions with others and not purely by myself. Also, the idea that being alone means being at one with my thoughts, and allows me to reflect on many aspects of my life and potentially spiral into them. 

I am the type of person that likes to be busy. My parents used to tell me I have “bugs in my butt” because I couldn’t stay still, and I still can’t. So, when I’m completely alone and by myself, I’m free of the distractions that occupy my brain and I start living in “the now”. My problem is that I need to remind myself that finding beauty in the stillness around you and living in “the now” by yourself creates new memories that can add to those of when you are your happiest.

Sometimes it’s not just being alone with your thoughts but the idea that you crave companionship that limits your ability to feel comfort in being alone. That in itself is great to have; someone to add to the comfort of daily experiences. But the issue with relying on the feeling you get from companionship is that it’s temporary. And when something is temporary, a greater loss is felt when it’s no longer around. That’s why it’s most important to feel content being alone first, whether you have a companion or not.

A TED talk by Chidera Eggerue, a British author, helped me see this perspective of how being alone can be perceived as time wasted, and how craving society’s acceptance can make us like ourselves less. Time spent alone is invaluable because it allows us to learn more about ourselves and form a new or improved sense of self-love and worth.

Everyone has their own reasons for not feeling comfortable being alone, that’s not to say my reasons may resonate with everyone. But understanding why I’m afraid of being alone allows me to work on those barriers. If I need to learn how to authentically enjoy the moment rather than thinking 10 steps ahead and diving into distractions, I can make active changes in my life to adapt to feeling more at ease with being alone. For example, I can start by having lunch at the park on a sunny day, where there are people around me but I’m able to completely enjoy the moment by myself. I can start by taking baby steps instead of leaps. 

So, through this post, I’m making a promise to myself and my readers that I’m going to actively make efforts in feeling more confident in being alone. And I’m going to start this process with the steps I’m listing below:


Step 1: First and foremost, I can start small by taking myself on solo walks where I’m away from my phone. Freeing myself from distractions allows me to take in the feeling of truly spending time with myself and my surroundings. And it’s the easiest place to start as I can decide how long I want my walks to be depending on my comfort level. Now I’m not saying I’ve never gone on a solo walk before, but whenever I did, I felt weird or awkward sitting alone when there were groups of people around me. To make up for this awkwardness, I’d call a friend or scroll Tiktok to occupy my time, but this takes away from the feeling of freeing myself from distractions.

Step 2: Moving up to something more risqué, I can take myself out for coffee to overcome the idea of judgment that “I am all alone” and overcome this insecurity of people pleasing those around me. 

Step 3: Once solo coffee runs are tackled, I can move up to taking myself out to restaurants by myself and yes, asking for a “table for 1.” Having a whole meal by myself is not just more time-consuming but in a more public setting where most people are present in a social setting with others. It’s testing my confidence in enjoying my own company surrounded by others who are not necessarily doing the same. It also enhances the idea that I’m never going to see these people again so why care about what they think when they see me alone at a table? 

woman holding fork in front table
Photo by Pablo Merchán

Step 4: Once I’m more comfortable with meals, I can move up to activities such as taking myself to the movies alone, paint nights, festivals, etc. I’ve always wanted to try a dance class but never had the guts to try it alone. The opportunities are endless and at this point, I’m creating memories for my own enjoyment and happiness because I’m not relying on other people’s availability to do the things I genuinely enjoy doing. Moreover, I’m giving myself the opportunity to learn more about myself with each activity I do alone, and with more time I spend with myself.

Step 5: Lastly, I think I’ve truly tackled the idea of being comfortable being alone when I’m able to travel solo. Book a trip to a foreign country where I don’t know anyone and still feel okay because I trust that I have myself and that’s all I need. This is probably the most difficult step for me to achieve but attaining this level of comfort with myself will make me feel invincible because I truly am in my own solo element authentically. 

Feeling comfortable in our own skin is a very versatile process. It involves knowing yourself and accepting yourself unconditionally. It is a lifelong process and a part of that is also feeling content with yourself at your core. I can say for a fact that I am learning more about myself and developing every day, but giving myself the love and care it needs comes from truly feeling vulnerable with myself. And it’s hard to seek love, care, and validation from external sources when it has not been completely fulfilled internally. 

I promise my readers that I am constantly growing, changing, and finding ways to reach high levels of self-love and self-care continually. I’m going to push myself to take these steps in attaining comfort in spending time with me and only me, even if it means taking myself out once a month. My intent does not guarantee action, but it can add to my motivation to carry out my actions. And if any of you are feeling the same sense of discomfort with being alone, I encourage you to take a baby step to make small changes yourself. Loving yourself co-exists with being confident in yourself. Self-love starts and ends with you.

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*Disclaimer: All of the information, opinions, and views provided in this post are based on my personal experiences. Reader’s discretion is advised related to any of the views presented.

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MY BODY IS NOT THE PROBLEM

MY BODY IS NOT THE PROBLEM: my mindset is the solution to my own problems.

Imagine a snowball, tumbling through the fresh white snow, growing with each and every turn. With every layer of fluffy cloudlike crystals added to it, the snowball gets bigger and stronger. You try to pick it up, but it gets too heavy to carry and you drop it on the ground. You notice it doesn’t even crack, its layers of protection acting like its shield. This snowball has now established a sense of permanence. This snowball is like your self-image. When you hear people comment on your body image based on society’s standards again and again, it starts to feel like reality. Every comment adds a layer of insecurity, and it starts to permanently reside in your brain. It makes you believe that this is your reality. 

Growing up, I was always considered to be tall compared to my peers; I was always back and center in all of my class photos. But I was petite, some may even call me skinny. I was okay with being skinny since I was told that this is normal in my family line; everyone had a high metabolism growing up and I’d gain more weight with age. 22 years passed by and that saying had not held up its end of the bargain. 

When society sets certain standards of beauty, repeated exposure to them on social media makes us believe that a certain body image is what is considered “beautiful”, and we consciously or subconsciously start to judge other people based on this standard. I stopped growing tall at 5 ft 3 but my weight always remained between 90-95 lbs. I was considered underweight, but I felt healthy. I ate whenever I was hungry. I maintained a healthy lifestyle. I never felt like my weight was compromising my health in any way. Yet, this standard of beauty set by society welcomed comments into my life such as being called “anorexic”. 

This picture was taken in 2019 when I felt most insecure about my body image. I was called skinny several times to the point that it stung. My smile through my pain is not an invitation to people’s opinions.

At a certain point, these comments added layers of insecurity to my own self-image, which grew bigger and bigger with each comment made. And sooner or later, I’d convinced myself that maybe there was a problem with my weight that was beyond my control. I have been doing everything right for my health, but everyone else kept noticing something that I wasn’t noticing myself. As time went by, I felt more and more discontent with my body image, and more self-conscious about how skinny I looked to others. I even consulted a doctor with a fear of something being wrong with my health and was told I had a clean bill of health. The stress from this made my appetite shrink, making me truly concerned for my health. 

Over the years, the comments changed from “are you anorexic” to “you should be grateful you’re that skinny” which made talking about having a negative body image taboo. I was told I was ungrateful for not appreciating the way I looked by half of society, while the other half told me there was something wrong with it. Imagine what it feels like to not feel comfortable in your own skin and not be able to talk about it to others because of a fear of being judged. That was until I told myself enough is enough. This is my life and I need to work on building up my own self-confidence without listening to comments being made by others.

Changing your lifestyle after years of consistent habits is tough. The first thing I had to do was understand my personal goals. I did not want a standard of beauty to affect how I see myself but I had to be realistic with what I wanted for myself, for my self-confidence to grow. So I created a list of goals for myself, with goals based on how I wanted to feel rather than solely how I wanted to look. One of the things I wanted to work on was feeling stronger both mentally and physically. I wanted to have a healthy BMI as I was currently considered underweight, but I wanted to gain that weight in the form of muscle. In order to attain this goal, I had to learn how my body works, and understand what fast metabolism meant for me. 

I tried to do my own research on how to attain a healthy BMI but at this point, my appetite was bad due to stress and my constant working out was working against me. I felt like I was not making any positive progress toward my goals which made it even harder to break out of this cycle of negativity. So, I took the most difficult next step: I reached out for help because I was not sure what measures I needed to take to reach this goal.

A resource I reached out to was Coach Rajan from Level “Upp” Performance. I spoke to him about my goals and went through a program with him that required me to perform strength training 3-4x a week and consume 3000+ calories a day. By working with a personal trainer, I became more aware of what is necessary to become stronger: understanding how macros matter in your diet, what types of exercise work with my personal goals, and the power of consistency. Even though I know society creates an unrealistic standard of beauty, I went on my own fitness journey to restore my self-confidence, purely for myself and for no one else. Even if I continued to look skinny by the end of my journey, I wanted to feel stronger and in turn, happier with myself. 

Whenever I feel unmotivated to work on myself, I remember the girl that was torn down by her surroundings and the words that cut through her like a knife. I remember how I felt at one of my lowest points when I was struggling with body image, and I remind myself of how I felt at my strongest mental health point. To keep myself in check with my goals, I started an Instagram page @alys_goals for accountability of my goals and to track my progress along the way. It is so easy to fall out of a pattern with your goals when other parts of your life take over but reminding yourself of why you started working on yourself is your strongest motivator to keep you going.

These pictures were taken 1 year apart. I’m smiling in both pictures but I can tell you that the picture on the left shows a version of me that was conscious of how I looked because of how skinny I appeared to the public eye in a saree. I am “skinny” in both pictures but the picture on the right shows a more positive version of myself, still progressing towards restoring her self-confidence but feeling more confident in wearing a saree.

It has now been 2 years of consistently working out and maintaining proper calorie intake to sustain my lifestyle. I understand how my body works, what exercises I need to do for my personal goals, and the power of self-confidence that keeps me going every day. I now have a BMI of 19.5 and feel strong in my own skin. I have broken my big snowball and have learned to accept the beauty in the pieces that follow. I was able to reach out to resources I identified would help me best at a time when I was at my all-time low. But that doesn’t mean this is a one size fits all model. You know yourself best, your motivators, your barriers and you know what can work best for you to reach your goals. It doesn’t matter what the world thinks of how you look, but what matters is what you think of yourself. You set your own standard of beauty. You have the power to restore your self-confidence. It’s only one step away. 

*Disclaimer: All of the information, opinions, and views provided in this post are based on my personal experiences. Reader’s discretion is advised related to any of the views presented.

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